I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
