So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
