His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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