I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
