So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
