I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
