I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize