you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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