I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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