i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
