so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
