"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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