I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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