I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize