After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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