dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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