Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
