It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
