Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
