ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
