are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
