Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
