She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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