you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
