Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I did not marry a roomba.
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