my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
