Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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