Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize