What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
