a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
