Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
