I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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