either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize