There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
