Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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