your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Randomize
