Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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