Who did Billy Mays play for?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
