TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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