if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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