my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
