Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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