everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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