i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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