I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
