so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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