life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Farmville is her only friend.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
