how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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