im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
