yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
