He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
