i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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