I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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