I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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