You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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