new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
