I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
