I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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