i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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