I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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