You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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