I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
