Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
