Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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