I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
false alarm, still single
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
