Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
