theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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