After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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