I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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